Life

Why I could never make it as a Kardashian.

There is no pleasure guiltier than the Kardashians. The lavish lifestyle the members of that family lead is a glimpse into how the other half live. The expensive family vacations and fashionable Christmas cards illustrate a lifestyle many envy. Kim the patriarch of the family leads the brand, followed by the others that my mother can only identify by the size of their butts or turmoil.

Regardless of how many episodes I binge, I’ve come to the decision that if I were to apply I wouldn’t be called in for a Kardashian interview. This is despite how organic my resume would be.

I might pass the hiring process for a North West babysitter?

Besides the obvious surgeries and vast closet that I lack, there are other requirements I cannot meet.

I suck at selfies. Photoshop and an entire glam squad wouldn’t help me look less like selfie Shrek. Perhaps this is down to how lazy I am? This would mark against my ability to complete the workouts. The private instructor who offers silent direction while blasting rap music that I couldn’t possibly understand. It’s just to look cool. Aside from the difficulty of the workout, combining the selfie and the fitness would be a defeat. Holding the phone at arms length for any period of time would tire my arm. I would look red faced, glistening sweat while attempting to keep the doggy filter on my face.

This would link up with my inability to hold my phone still while painting my arm with different shades of cosmetics. This would also be accompanied with some form of rap music. That is depending on which one I’d be dating that week.

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I would fail at the all organic food that Kourtney eats religiously. I would fail at completing the massive salad bowls. I would fail at the OCD organised pantry. I also don’t have billion dollar earrings for my husband of two minutes to misplace in the crystal waters of Bora Bora. I’d probably dump him a week after the wedding, anyway.

I would fail to disrespect my momager. I would struggle to swear in her face when she attempts to be cool. I would fail to find scandal and I’d be too intimidated to start twitter tournaments with Black Cyna.

Perhaps my biggest downfall is something quite impossible for any Kardashian or Jenner to accept. It would see me destined for the target of sly tweets or an unsolvable complication in an episode.

The biggest issue that any Kardashian could face.

I consider myself a Taylor Swift fan.

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