Yesterday I was in one of those low energy, can’t be bothered to leave my bed moods. I’ve suffered anxiety for a number of years and these moods aren’t rare. I spent my day wondering around the house, changing my mind about each activity I encountered. I would start a movie on Netflix, then switch it off. I would cook a meal to consider myself to be not that hungry after all.
This was my day. It was shrouded by indecisiveness and what I consider to be called basic ‘meh.’ This refers to simply not knowing how to describe how I feel. I’ve seen a lot of sleep deprivation from work and stress provided to me from university classes. Yesterday was my first real day at home, and I put it down to simply not remembering how to do nothing. I’m a busy person 99% of the time. In my 1% moment, I simply felt confused. I felt guilt. Guilt is the most common emotion I feel and I have considered different approaches when it comes to feeling it.
I forget that it’s okay to have a day where I do nothing. I’m allowed to spend the day in bed, watching reruns of Rupaul’s Drag Race while eating microwave food only. I often find myself feeling guilt towards many of my actions. I feel guilt for turning down shifts at work, I feel guilt when I’m sick and I feel guilt when I’m lazy. I haven’t been to gym in so long, I’m not willing to put a figure on it, but it brings me a load of guilt. I yesterday sat down to begin homework from my class, and lasted two minutes before procrastinating. It brought me waves of guilt by doing so.
Guilt is just a feeling and it’s all down to the thoughts I’m allowing to run circles around my mind. That’s a wise lesson a good friend taught me. She instilled in me that a feeling is just a vibration. Considering I’ve slept and had a chance to start today fresh, I’m able to reflect. In hindsight I know that today is better and it’s my decision to bring that feeling into today. I think this is so important to make a conscious effort to leave the thoughts that make us feel low or crappy in between the hours of yesterday.
I guess I wanted to write this blog today as a reminder to anyone who is having one of those days today that I get it. I had one yesterday. It may not be down to anxiety or an anxiety ridden thought, but know it’s okay. Ride the wave of indecisiveness and make the commitment to yourself that tomorrow will be different. I can allow myself to feel guilt, but I can’t allow it to rule my life. I cannot allow it to stick around long term. It’s okay to feel guilty, but it’s okay to also move on from that.