The gap you left behind

Nothing in the world prepares you. Even though you see it coming. You’re always caught off guard.

The pain is unique. Not something that can be compared.

It’s not sudden like the pain of a boyfriend choosing her over you. It’s a lot slower than that. The pain that grows and you ignore. Until it consumes you.

It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of when. No real answer to the why. No real understanding of the how.

It’s a loneliness I wish that I never had to meet.

For months you think it’ll be okay. It’s a bump in the road that you’d both envisioned together for years. Slowly you come to realise it’s a dead end disguised as hope. You can’t drive any further and trying to is just causing more pain.

You look back and wonder where you might have made a wrong turn. The road got too far ahead of us to actually notice it’s finish. It was inevitable.

How didn’t we notice?

That’s the thing about growing. You don’t realise you’re doing it until life let’s you know in a harsh way.

With heartbreak, with words no one means. Growing happens through the smiles and laughter, but it’s not really noticeable until you feel completely hollow.

Until you’re crying yourself to sleep at night wondering if tomorrow night might be easier.

You see the friendships on tv. The ones where the best friends seem inseparable. Lily and Miley from Hannah Montana, Monica and Rachel from Friends. It was what I wanted. I thought I had that. I’ve come to think maybe no one has that.

Friends are just guidance brought into our life to walk with us for a little while. Then they venture onwards. The really great ones stick around. I wish that had been the case.

Taylor Swift, John Mayer, Michael Buble. They write about lost love. The broken hearts, the man or woman that they lost trust in.

Where’s the slow ballads for the lost friendships? I’d give a Grammy to that song.

Perhaps it’s because not even lyrics are able to grasp the pain of what is losing friendship. It’s just too difficult. So we don’t try. We push it down and squash it. We sympathise with others when they share as our own memories flash to our mind. The ones with the friend we left behind.

Heartbreak isn’t reserved for the boyfriend or girlfriend that did you dirty. No. Because that’s something we overcome. We move on. We find someone new. It leads us closer to true love.

It’s a wound that never closes.

There’s always the gap they left. No one will fill it. Because that space is open eternally. It’s open in the hope that one day they’ll return to it. One day they’ll return and it’ll be like they never left to begin with. Maybe that’s false hope or wishful thinking.

Deleting the images from your phone and hearing nothing but silence from messages left. You pray the pain will stop. about deleting the images from your phone.

Losing a friend is heat break amplified. It’s saying goodbye to security. Trust. The forever you thought you had with them.

They say ‘find friends that show you your worth.’ Why don’t I matter to you anymore?

They say ‘they didn’t treat you like you deserved.’ I sure hope I treated you like I know you deserve.

They say ‘the door has closed to open a new one.” I’ve opened a few now. I hoped you would be behind each one. You weren’t.

It takes everything in me not to call. I almost do every time that I don’t.

You’d answer and I would say ‘can we draw a line in the sand. Pretend that was an alternative reality situation. Pretend you’re my rock and I’m yours?”

Life doesn’t have a remote.

Meaning no rewind. Meaning no second chance.

Meaning saying I miss you won’t matter, saying I would lay down the armour if it meant calling you a friend again… it falls upon deaf ears.

There isn’t a language that can communicate how much I miss you. But if there were you still wouldn’t understand. There’s no words to describe it.

The life I pictured with you in it now is distorted. It’s grey. I’m getting used to the new colour. I might not know what direction to head yet but the lessons you taught me along our journey prepared me for this next stage. All regardless of how scared I am to venture on without you.

No bandage or surgeon could close up the wound. Tears will continue to fall even long after yours dry.

Our road ended.

Lord knows I prayed for more road. Even a bridge to get us over the potholes.

I look back down the road we created often. I still treasure the stops we made along the way. The memories, laughter. The I love you’s and the moments I held so much pride for you. I still do. We accomplished so much.

I miss the late night phone calls… if you called at 3am I’d pick up. I would listen.

You were meant to be the maid of honour, the godparent… the bingo partner. Now you’re just a person I knew. You’re a memory that’ll fade eventually. We’re a wrinkle in time that will be forgotten.

I’d like to lie. Say I don’t think about you. Say I don’t miss you. I can’t.

I hate to think you’ll move on not knowing how much you meant. But the fear of telling you is too much. The fear of actually dialling your number and saying ‘let’s reverse down that road and fix this.”

The fear of your rejection stops me. My heart has suffered losing you once. It can’t handle it again.

The space you left behind you isn’t closing.

It’s grief of a different kind. One where they live but you can’t reach out without really making yourself vulnerable. The kind where you know you’ll be hurt. But trust that despite the differences, the fights and the hurling of our insults it boils down to one thing.

I wish that you were still here.

The gap I won’t ever fill. I’ll always hold that space open. I’ll keep it open. I’ll hope one day you’ll come back and fill it again.

I hope you’ll do the same. I hope my gap in your life hasn’t been filled.

I hope I actually left one.

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